Dealing With Parent's Anger With ADHD Kids   Frank Barnhill M.D.
 

“Dealing With Parent’s anger with ADHD kids”

Removing Labels and the little things in life

“I’m close to pulling every hair out of my head and my nerves are shot to pieces!”

Are these the very same words you uttered as your ADHD kid once again did that little something or that thing he or she does to irritate or get on your nerves for the thousandth time?

Unfortunately, we hear those words at least twice a week from parents of ADHD kids.

Usually, those parents are on the edge of feeling out of control by the time they express their frustrations. And, often when I discuss what happened to cause them to build up such a high level of frustration and anxiety, it usually ends up being the little things ADHDers do to push their parents to the very edge of frustration and loss of control.

For example, several years ago, a mom complained to me that every time she bought her nine-year old son a new shirt, he cut the labels out of the collar the very first time he wore them. This seemed to upset her a great deal, as she didn’t want teachers or friends to think she was buying “seconds” for her children. She had seen what she called “cut labels clothing” in outlet stores and felt only “poor people” bought “cut labels’.

I believe at that time, these were her parental emotions:

Just to clarify the situation, it’s really not unusual for an ADHD child to cut the labels out of new clothing. For some unknown reason, labels in clothing simply irritate these kids. Not only are these kid’s emotions often on edge, but also their senses such as touch, smell and hearing are usually in over drive and they are sensitive to everything that touches them. Some young ADHD girls tell me that perfumes irritate them. So, I would expect them to avoid make-up and perfume, as they get older.

So what advice do we give to parents about dealing with the frustrations of “little things”?

First, I advise them to be honest when talking to their child about why they are irritated by the things he or she does. You should not use the words “because I said so” or “because that’s the way it’s gonna be” or any other similar answer when your child asks why. All that explanation will do is confuse them further and make them believe you’re going to “cop out” every time they ask a question.

I told the mom whose son cut labels out of his shirts to explain she was afraid he would damage the shirts and others would consider them damaged. I added that if he persisted in the behavior, she should offer to help him cut any labels that caused him irritation. After all, it’s really not a big deal when you look at it and if it makes your ADHDer happy, then it’s a win-win solution for both of you. If he’s happy, it translates into less family stress.

Second, I asked her to have the family make a list of those “little things” that were so irritating. I’ve found when we make written lists of things, the reason they occur becomes much clearer, we’re able to deal with them better and more often than not, we then realize they are truly little things that don’t deserve so much attention and worry.

In the case of the cut labels, after two or three weeks of mom helping her son remove the labels without harming the clothing and re-sewing them into the lower shirt tail, all of the associated stress went away. Mom finally admitted, “It’s really not such a big thing after all” and guess what? Her son now thinks he has special clothing and shows it off to everyone in his classes.

Third, I ask parents to learn to ignore new little things that pop up in the future. Learning to ignore a behavior such as an ADHD daughter saying “Duh!” every time you ask her a question can be very hard. You have to address your feelings about being in control of every little aspect of your kid’s life and whether or not you really, really truly want that level of control and the frustration and time-energy requirement needed to be responsible for that excessive control.

I pointed out to several parents of “Duh!” and “Whatever!” kids that those words are really just the child’s expression of a lack of appropriate words for whatever was going on at the time. A non-ADHD child might answer your question, “Did you do your homework?” by saying “I finished it an hour ago” or “I’m about to start”. In contrast, your ADHDer’s executive thought processing may not be fast enough to give a similar response, so her brain substitutes the word “Duh!”. It’s just not a big deal and your response should often be “Ok.” “I’ll take that as a No!” Then you explain why you expected her homework to have been done.

In closing…

“Don’t sweat the little things in life!” “You’ll often find most everything is really a little thing.” I would advise you read Dr. Richard Carlson’s book, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”, as it is a very good collection of real life situations for you to learn to deal with the “little things”.

Dr. Frank

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