Dr. Frank's Pearls of Life   Frank Barnhill M.D.
 

Value in our lives comes from helping others grow and prosper.  Nowhere is this more evident than in a marriage.  Let’s look at what I’ve learned about good marriages over the past twenty-five years.

A good marriage should mean your best friend lives with you.  As you know, with a best friend you can relax, concentrate on life’s hurdles and grow to become very prosperous, because you have someone who will always be on your side.  In a good marriage, a husband or wife can often know without being told when the other person needs to talk, needs help with a problem, or just needs a hug.  They won’t have to call anyone else because they have their own built in support system.  There is always someone to help you celebrate when things are great and a cheerleader for encouragement when things go bad.  Likewise, as a couple grows older together, they’ll have many shared experiences that would never have occurred had they traveled through life alone.

Older patients often tell me that the support they get from their spouses helps them cope with the aches and pains of aging, and the heartbreak of losing close friends and other family members.  They also tell me that they are not embarrassed when simple tasks like going to the bathroom by themselves becomes increasingly difficult.  Think how terrible it must be to have to depend on a stranger to give you a bath or help change your clothes.  Just think of the last time you were bedridden in the hospital and how embarrassing it was to have a nurse give you a bed sponge bath.

While taking care of an eighty-five year old man and his eighty-four year old wife, I learned more about marriage support systems than I could have ever learned from a book.  When she was passing on and taking her last breath, he told me, through slowly welling tears, how it felt to know that the person he trusted with his very life was now gone.  He said he had many regrets, because they had failed to invest in their future, even though they had a good marriage.  They had no children, no friends remained alive, and his closest relative was a great-great niece.  They had failed to make new friends because they thought no one would want to have anything to do with old people.  His loneliness was so overwhelming he passed away five days later.

One ambition a couple may share is having children together and of course those never-ending implications.  Couples often grow and change together as their relationship passes through the years.  Children make that growing up experience much richer. Just think of all the incredible adventures you had with your parents.  After my first daughter was born, I felt an emotional change I could not explain.  A few days later, I quizzed my advisor in medical school about this unusual feeling.  That seventy-five year old retired general practitioner did not hesitate in his answer.  He said, “Your wife has given you a blessing you could not buy.  She has helped provide the means for you to live forever through your children.  You two have taken one of the first steps toward eternal life by creating another life.  A part of you is now immortal.” The truth in his reply was obvious.  It takes two to create life and that life carries a part of you into the future.  Having children is the beginning of an adventure that will be remembered through your children.

Working as a team, couples can help each other smooth over many rough spots.  Everyone knows that two brains are usually better than one.  Having someone to help make decisions and think through problems makes life easier.  This philosophy is especially true when raising children.  One person making all the family decisions about child rearing could cause bitterness and resentment.  But on the other hand, making decisions with a spouse helps couples come to fair agreement and allows for a happier atmosphere.  This atmosphere is a better learning and growing environment for the child and parent alike.

The action of two people working together often helps the couple experience better financial security.  Wouldn’t it be great to have someone you trust to help you pay off that car or house?  Statistics clearly show that married couples are much more prosperous than either spouse would be by themselves.  After all, if the two of you are working toward a common goal, you’ll reach it sooner and climb higher.

Now let’s deal with actions you can take to grow a good marriage.

It all starts with words.  Yes, simple spoken words are the best starting point. Communicate everything!  Do not assume anything.  Poor communication skills are the number one, two, and three causes of divorce.  Remember how easy it was to discuss your problems with your best friend when you were fifteen?  Hey,you’re supposed to be married to your best friend now.  If you don’t share your feelings or what is on your mind, then how is your spouse supposed to know?  Share your insecurities about family, job, money matters, and life.  Tell him or her your anxieties and fears about the present and future.  Don’t be afraid to tell him or her the littlest inconsequential thoughts.  Afterall, that’s the reason for having best friends.

Don’t assume anything.  Ask, if the answer is not perfectly clear.  If necessary, ask again and again.  Wrong assumptions will lead to placing blame.  Talk to each other and not at each other.  Lecturing a spouse rarely works.  It’s easy to turn off monotonous lecturing.  Then, communication breaks down again.  Listen carefully and speak only after the other person has finished.  This gives you time to each other and not at each other.  Lecturing a spouse rarely works.  It’s easy to turn off monotonous lecturing.  Then, communication breaks down again.  Listen carefully and speak only after the other person has finished.  This gives you time to change your opinion without looking like a fool.

Trust and believe in your spouse, with no hesitation.  You can’t tell me that you married someone you don’t trust.  No way!  How about someone you don’t believe in?  Nope!  You specifically accepted this person to trust and believe in on the day you said “I Do.”  So, prove it.

You must give 90% of the time and only take 10% of the time.  If you both do this, then you both receive 100% of the benefits of the marriage.  Do unto your spouse what you expect to have done unto you and do it first.

Learn to share.  When you got married, I suspect that you agreed that everything belongs to both of you.  That includes possessions and emotions.  Unless you agree ahead of time on certain things that you are not going to share, learn quickly to share everything.  That’s the part of the trust of marriage that you learn to show.

Try to remember the good times for a long time, and forget the bad times quickly.  Remembering the bad will just cause pain and conflict.  After all, it’s only a thought, so get rid of it.  Selective memory is part of every human being.  As humans tend to make mistake, humans should forgive and forget.   Reliving the past seems to be the hobby of a lot of couples.  Guess what?  Neither you nor I can change your past.

Never criticize decisions made by your spouse when you are not willing or not available to make the decision.

Friendship is no substitute for love.  A good marriage should include love, for love is blind and friendships tend to be judgmental.  Love unconditionally.   Forgive before being asked and expect to be forgiven as rapidly.

If you always expect an explanation, then be prepared to explain when it’s your turn.

You must be fair in all emotions and communications.

Praise your spouse’s virtues and admit your weaknesses.

Do not try to manipulate your spouse.  In doing so, you teach the lessons of deceit and distrust.  No one enjoys manipulation.  You should teach the art of love.

Continue to date your spouse just as you did before being married.  Doing so will show your spouse how much you value him or her and help keep the fun in your lives.  Touch goes a long way and is a very important form of communication.  Simply holding hands sometimes says more than words. Religion teaches the basics of any successful relationship.  Trust forms the foundation, but the building blocks must be placed one at a time.

Share the good parts of your marriage with friends.  Friends will help make your marriage stronger as you each learn to grow together and have fun.

Your parents, brothers, and sisters are not married to you.  Expect to spend more of your life with the person you love, trust and believe in, than you spend with them.

A minute may seem like an eternity, but thirty years of marriage can slip by in the blink of an eye.  Marry the person with whom you wish to share those two or three blinks.

And last but not least……………….

Love your spouse first.  After all is said and done, neither physical possessions, nor any other person is likely to be as trustworthy or as valuable.  As you grow older, your very life may depend upon that trust.

I intend to buy matching rocking chairs for the blonde and me.

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