“Helping Your ADHDer Get Along with Others”
How to help your ADHD child build fantastic social skills
   Frank Barnhill M.D.
 

In order to be a “social person” and learn how to get along with others, your child must practice the art of “being social”.

It’s no secret that ADHD kids don’t develop social skills as rapidly or at as early an age as non-ADHD children. Since ADHDers have problems with “executive brain processing”, they often miss the little subtle facial, verbal or physical clues needed when interacting with other people, that the rest of us catch. For example, they may not detect the changing voice tones and “shaking head no” of a playmate who is scared to climb a high tree or cross a busy street without a parent. Since the ADHDer will probably persist in the behavior, and even push the other child to join in, a relationship conflict occurs that makes the non-ADHD child think about avoiding him or her in the future.

As the ADHD child eventually senses the other child’s reluctance to play with him, he becomes angry and manipulative in his attempts to push others to play. He’ll often play harder and take more risks trying to impress or outdo his playmates. This competitive drive would best be channeled into sports and organized athletics. If such fails to occur, then the ADHDer will lose friends as he is seen to be too rough to play with or parents and other kids don’t approve of his risk taking behavior. Social isolation drives ADHDers to become partially isolated and develop defensive behaviors to protect their egos.

Here are a few tips to help you improve your ADHDer’s chances of developing good social skills:

·       Start reading to your ADHDer as soon as possible and at the same time you read to your other children, even if the story read is above the child’s learning skills. This will teach your ADHDer that he or she can participate and share your time with other children and not be the center of attention.

·       Purposely set up playtimes with a single child of a similar age, so you can help “supervise” their play. ADHD kids don’t do well in large groups, so it’s much easier for your ADHDer to focus on sharing, playing without being rough and taking turns when there aren’t a lot of other kids around. Explain why we should share, take turns and avoid playing roughly instead of saying “because I said so”, or “because that’s what we’re supposed to do”.

·       Set up play times and social events at your home or in similar “comfortable areas”. The reason is easy to understand if you think about your ADHDer’s need to feel in control of his surroundings to avoid confusion and frustration. You and everyone else may think having a birthday party at a pizza place or skating rink is going to be great, but your ADHDer may become overwhelmed in these areas, especially if he’s less than 10 years of age or if it’s a “new place” to him. When an ADHDer feels overwhelmed and threatened, they become moody, much more hyper and demanding as they try to gain some control over their new or unfamiliar surroundings. If you want to have social events in an “unfamiliar” place, then slowly introduce your ADHDer to the place about 3 or 4 weeks in advance. Make a small family outing and allow your ADHDer to thoroughly investigate and get used to the new environment. ADHD kids like to direct other children’s attention to neat things as it gives them that little feeling of acceptance they so need.

·       Coordinate visits to another child’s house, by explaining your child’s ADHD to the child’s parents and making suggestions about play activities. Sometimes, it’s hard to get parents to do this, as they feel embarrassed about their child’s ADHD, but ADHD should not be an embarrassing disorder. In fact, a parent may help keep their ADHDer from displaying those terrible ADHD traits in public, by training them how to socially interact at an early age. Be sure to explain frustration levels and good as well as bad habits to the other child’s parents.

·       Set up social visits that help your ADHDer “have a best friend or buddy”. To do so, you must observe whom he or she plays best with or interacts with the least amount of threat and friction. Then encourage their friendship by first having social events that involve the new best friend and your family. Next, schedule social occasions that involve both families, so that the “best friends” can show off their relationship and feel comfortable about spending nights at each others house.

·       Help your ADHDer to become good or great at doing at least one thing, such as a specific sport (place-kicker, tennis, catcher, etc.) or an artistic talent (playing guitar, painting, drawing), so that he has an ego-self-esteem building ability that helps him interact with others at school or play. Children are much more tolerant of other children who have special talents!

·       Be sure to set good examples for your ADHDer to learn by! Show that you can share things and patiently wait in line without complaining. Be open about explaining when you have to take turns and why you “choose” to do so.

Following these suggestions should give your ADHDer an edge in developing good social skills and decrease the likelihood of him or her displaying undesirable ADHD traits while in public or interacting with friends and family.

Dr. Frank

drhuggiebear, drhuggiebear.com and contained materials are the copyrighted and/or registered properties of Frank Barnhill, M.D. and may not be reproduced for profit without the express written permission of the author.  All materials may be photocopied in whole for educational use.  For information please contact us at drfrank@drhuggiebear.com.