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When an ADHD person becomes hostile or aggressive, this usually
indicates something has disrupted that persons closely guarded routine,
ego structure or personal space. ADHD persons have a particular way of
dealing with situations based on what makes them feel most comfortable.
They may have a highly structured environment or be totally
disorganized, but it’s within their control. That control is essential
to that person’s security in life. When an ADHD’er becomes hostile, you
must avoid threatening them. They already feel threatened and out of
control or they would not have become hostile or aggressive. ADHD’ers
have an unusual sensitivity to specific attributes about themselves.
For example an overweight ADHD person may start to yell and threaten if
approached about the need to lose weight. “That’s all you ever say to
me!” “You think I’m ugly because I’m fat, don’t you?” Let’s look at a
few ways to handle such situations:
- Remain in control of your emotions. ADHD children can elicit a
wide range of emotion responses others. Remember most are
manipulative.
- Do not try to out shout or out talk the child. This will just
cause them to shout more and louder.
- Do not make threats. They already feel threatened and this is
just throwing gas on the fire. Definitely avoid physical threats.
You will get them back.
- Inform them you will be willing to discuss whatever has occurred
when they are able to sit and talk without shouting or threatening.
- Do not make promises; you will probably have to break later.
Parents and teachers often tend to do this in order to try to gain
control of the situation. You cannot buy good behavior. It must be
shaped and molded over months and years.
- Remember to leave room for the child to back out gracefully
without loss of self and peer respect. As the old saying goes, if
you back someone in a corner, they are going to fight. If they are
physically hostile, give them room to move around and don’t block
their exit.
- Try to leave an open door for bargaining. ADHD’ers feel
rewarded when they win concessions even more so than others, because
of their heightened sensitivity level and need for events that build
self-esteem.
- Try to identify what ever caused the event. Once it is obvious,
then the ADHD’er will usually calm down with your acknowledgement of
the situation. It may be possible to talk calmly at that point.
- If the situation is rapidly getting more hostile or out of hand,
agree with whatever they say with the stipulation that you will not
form a permanent opinion until #4 has occurred.
- If they threaten to harm themselves or someone else, realize the
serious nature of the threat, the likelihood of manipulative
behavior and avoid preaching about why they don’t want to do that.
They are not dumb and usually know why they don’t want or shouldn’t
commit a behavior, yet impulsiveness and poor thought processing
combined probably have made it unlikely that they are thinking of
the consequences at the moment. It’s like fighting a fire; don’t
worry about the source of the fire until you have it under control.
- Do not try to restrain an angry ADHD’er. Remember, they already
feel out of control and this will just make the situation worse. If
possible let them vent their anger in a non-destructive manner.
Their hyperactive anger stage may only last a few minutes or at most
hours and then they can get control of their emotions. They will
seem like a totally different person.
- Do not try to out manipulate an ADHD person. They are much
better at manipulation than you. They grew up learning to be
manipulative in order to survive in their environment. They will
turn your manipulation back on you. For the same reason, do not lie
to them. They can tell when they are being lied to. They have
unique sensitivities that allow them to detect voice pattern changes
and gestures that indicate insincerity.
- Do not argue or try to reason on their terms. Quote #4 and
stick to it.
- Always tell the person you love them or like them. Express that
it is their behavior that you do not like. Punish the behavior and
not the person.
- Try to create a win-win situation. ADHD children often feel
they lose all the time and in school are sometimes labeled losers.
Point out the child’s strengths and not weaknesses when trying to
defuse a situation. The words “You always act like this!” or “I
can’t take you anywhere without you cutting up” or “You sure act
stupid when you do things like that” are sure fire ways to make an
ADHD person lose focus on the situation. If you call a child dumb
enough, he or she will grow to believe they are dumb.
- When you finally are able to sit and talk, listen. Don’t talk;
just listen until the child has gotten everything off their chest.
Then ask open-ended questions like; do I understand you to say that
it was really Bobby who threw spitballs at Jenny? After asking
enough questions without passing judgment, you may discover the
child was wrongfully blamed, was at fault or shared fault in the
situation. Then you may be able to freely discuss the behavior.
Remember that your goal is to help stabilize your environment and
teach the ADHD child how to handle conflict and disappointments without
losing control of their emotions. I’m sure you will be successful, and
then life will be better for both of you.
Dr. Frank |
