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I started to title this article “How to talk to your kids so that it
appears they are listening”. That seems to be the complaint I hear most
from parents and teachers about communicating with their kids. Actually
they usually say something like “My kids never listen to me” and then
they add, “They just seem to stare into space or ignore me”. “At least
that’s what they seem to do”. So, does that mean if they “seem” to be
listening” that everyone will be happy? I think every parent honestly
believes they know how to talk to their kids. They probably learned
from their parents or schoolteachers, right? Oops, now that I think
about it, my father and mother really didn’t understand how to talk with
me, much less communicate. What about your experiences? We do seem to
learn a lot of our child rearing skills from our parents and
grandparents. Did we learn the good stuff, bad stuff or maybe a mixture
of all? Let’s take a look at a few pointers in talking with your kids.
- Talk with your kids and not to them. You’re not an army drill
instructor, so don’t give your kids commands. Unless of course it’s
an emergency and you’re trying to protect them. Talking with
someone means not speaking in a lecture or I know more than you do
tone. You give them a chance to provide input in a non-judgmental
way.
- When it is necessary to ask them to do something, if they ask
why, then give them an answer. The worst answer will be “Because I
said so!”. When you’re not sure of the right reason and you “said
so” because of intuition or past experiences, then a good answer is
“I feel this is the right thing to do or right reason at this
time”. Then tell them the truth. Tell them that you based your
reasons on feelings from past experience. Tell them about your
concerns for their safety or well being. Hey, those are better
answers than “Because I said so, that’s why!”.
- Try to avoid interrupting your kids when they try to answer you
or provide an explanation for their behavior. When you do so, you
send a clear message that it’s ok to interrupt and this increases
impulsive behavior. What you want them to learn is that even if you
do know all the answers, you consider their input important. This
simple thing can help improve self-esteem in your kids. Hey, if you
listen first, you just might learn a few things from your kids.
After all, that’s what makes life so great! We can learn something
from everyone!
- Avoid calling your kids excuses or ideas dumb or stupid. Ask
them why they see things that way. It could be both of you need a
reality adjustment. Your world is not their world and it never will
be. Kids today are smarter, faster, and more impressionable. Their
world moves at warp nine, yours and mine probably moved at warp six
and our parents at a steady speed of warp two. Oh no, does that
mean my grandkid’s world are going to travel at warp twelve?
- Set aside time to discuss life with your kids, not your life so
much as their life. You’ll fast discover how tough their lives
are. When we were growing up, we didn’t have to worry much about
crack, herpes, Aids, ecstasy, and dozens of other really bad
things. If they ask you about your life’s experiences, then don’t
brag or embellish the good or the bad. Keep your answers simple and
keep in mind your role as a parent. Don’t say or do a thing to
destroy that perception or your authority as a parent.
- Do not treat your kids as counselors or confess to them about
your past. You’re their principle authority figure and role model
whether you believe it or not. They are not able to handle your
problems and theirs at the same time. You can just create a lot of
confusion when you try to talk about adult things when your kid
isn’t ready.
- Agree that it’s ok to disagree and still be friends. Did you
agree with everything your mom and dad said? So, why should your
son or daughter agree with you all the time? Even if you disagree,
don’t forget to tell them you still love them and you’ll try to see
their side of things. A hug would go a long way here.
- If you want to understand their actions, ask them to explain.
Some kids really don’t know why they say or do certain things.
Maybe this will give you a chance to talk about their feelings on
the matter.
- Watch for non-verbal clues that your kid is really indeed
listening to you, even though you think not. So what if they appear
not to be listening? I bet they heard it all, but they either it
didn’t sink in at the moment, or they want you to believe they
didn’t hear a word. You ask, why would they do that? It’s part of
testing you to see whether you’ll stand your word or just how far
you’ll go. Watch for that coy smile or a mood change from anger to
a look of puzzled frustration. These are signs that the message was
received. It may not have sunk in yet, but at least it was heard.
- Take a break from the talk if you two really can’t communicate
at the moment. Both of you may be able to return to the
conversation later and reach a great conclusion. All conversations
contain compromise or give and take. Otherwise, it’s not a talk,
it’s a lecture.
- Ok, so you expected I wouldn’t quit at ten points! The last is
the most important. Make you’re your visual cues support your
sincerity for the talk. You can’t be sincere if you don’t stop
reading, watching TV, or talking on your cell phone. If you can’t
pay attention to the conversation how do you expect your kids to do
so. If you don’t pay attention, then guess what you’re teaching
your kids? From whom do you think they learn most about life?
Now just maybe, you can talk with your kids. And possibly they will
appear to listen.
Dr. Frank |
