How to Tell When Your Teenager is Maturing  Frank Barnhill M.D.
 

Everyone matures at a different age, at different rates and reaches levels of maturity that can vary so widely as to make it difficult to say when it has been reached.  The short blonde I’m married to says I still haven’t grown up, just out.  Ok, that’s great! It means I probably have a lot of potential.  So how do you get a rough idea about a teen’s level of maturity?   Let’s look at a few accepted guidelines for signs of maturity.

This is probably one of the first things parents notice when a child is beginning the stages of “growing up”.  They are starting the self-discovery process.  They’ve sort of figured out that in order to get along with others and to have friends, especially members of the opposite sex, they have to take care of themselves.  Smart dates don’t tolerate a bad body odor, terrible breath, sloppy clothes, ugly gestures, and looks of poor hygiene or physical fitness.  Well, they may put up with it once, but rarely twice.  Other teens tend to shy away from teens who fail to take care of their health.  Who wants to be around a sick person all the time?   The reason kids date and hang out together is for fun, companionship and to be seen with someone that will improve their standing with their friends and other teens.  If a date were not proud enough of themselves, their car, or any of their other possessions to keep them in shape and looking good, then why would someone want to hang with them?   I think the kids call them losers.  So, you’ll probably notice they bathe without your urging, dress better, keep their clothing cleaner and take better care of their possessions.  They aren’t as likely to neglect their pets, cars, bedrooms, or anything that their friends will see and judge them.  They start doing things to improve what they have.  Maybe they paint their room, put special trim on their car, or get an adult type haircut.  In order to do these things, they must have money.  So, they may ask about earning more than an allowance by during extra chores, or even ask your help in getting a job.

As kids mature they stop answering questions with huh?, yeah, no, yes, I don’t know, don’t matter, or simply no answer with the hostile “what the hell do you want look”.  They may even stop ignoring you and acting like they don’t understand or aren’t listening.  A sure sign of maturing is when your kids start a conversation on their own or answer your inquiries with a more than usual detailed explanation.  They may even spontaneously offer their opinion about family issues, politics, or problems they are having.  When they start asking advice in advance of a crisis, then things are really rolling.  That means they are thinking ahead of the next thirty minutes or even today.  You may notice the words and sentences they use are more complex.  Their thoughts about a topic seem to be better organized.  Wow! Your teen has started to openly communicate with the world, without having to receive something in return.

Some teens develop social skills before their teen years.  For others, it seems they lost them when they turned sixteen.  Social events skills include remembering birthdays and special occasions, being able to attend parties and eventually organize parties on their own.  Your teen may actually buy presents for birthdays and not use your money.  They start remembering appointments and keep promises without having to be reminded.  Learning how to make friends, keep friends, have a best friend and eventually date are advanced social skills.  A teen is really in the groove when others want to double date with he and his date or ask him for dates.  Successful dating of course can lead to a lifetime of acceptance and companionship.  Other social attributes may include “cleaning up their language”.  You may notice subtle hints like “please”, “thank you”, ”may I”, and other polite words.  It would really shock you to hear your teen say thank you without wanting something, wouldn’t it?   One of the most mature acts of a teen is shown when they are willing to introduce you to their friends as “my mom and dad”.  Admitting that you are indeed their parents is a difficult thing.  After all, how many parents are really cool enough for their kids to claim them?  

When your teen start doing things to improve him or herself, then they have realized if they want to get what they want out of life, them they must continuously learn to improve themselves.  Examples include them asking to take guitar or piano lessons, a physical fitness class, enrolling in a hobby class such as sculpting, joining a volunteer fire department, volunteering at a local hospital, or classes that improve work skills.  At some point in this stage, your teen will set her clock and get out of bed on her own.  She will be embarrassed to be late for school or work.  Management of one’s time is a definite sign of self-improvement.  After all, sooner or later we all realize what a short amount of time we have in life.  We can’t ask for or buy more.  These steps in maturing indicates your teen is evaluating their worth and understands everyone can improve themselves.

For the parents of most teens, this may be one of the most demanded and sought after signs of maturing.  How many times have you asked your teen to be home at ten o’clock, only to find yourself worrying if she was ok at midnight?   Has he or she left and not told you where they were going, when they would be back or who they were going with?   When you explain to your teen why you need to know these things, don’t offer your parents excuses.   Remember, “because I said so”, “there’s nothing you can possibly be doing after midnight”, and that ever popular “anybody out at that time of the night is up to no good”?   Well those answers may be true and acceptable to you, but I doubt they will flush with our teen.  The best answer is the honest one; “you are concerned for their safety and as a parent feel that it is your responsibility to help keep them safe as they grow”.  Sometimes the answer just needs to be; “because it is the right thing to do”.  

We see this level reached as teens start dating seriously and think of marriage or going off to college.  They have started making plans for their future.  They may start savings accounts, invest in land or real estate, buy stock or join a 401K plan at work.   They may begin a collection of verifiable valuable coins, stamps or other collectibles.   They start paying for things with cash instead of using credit cards.  They learn not to spend money they haven’t made.  At this point in their lives, they learn to balance a checkbook and avoid overdrafts.  They become proud of how much money they have in the bank instead of how much they’ve spent.  Visits to doctors to make sure they’re healthy start occurring again.  Most teens resist going to the doctor for regular check up after age 13.  They really start taking their health seriously.  If they need medications, they take them without fuss and eventually become responsible for taking them on time.

Parents brag about and show proud they are of their teen when they tell about this level of maturity.  A 45 year old was telling me with enthusiasm about his 19-year-old son volunteering to be a fireman and taking EMS training.  When the teen saved a child from a burning building his pride was outstanding.  A 50-year-old lady told me how proud she was when her 17-year-old daughter joined a theatrical group in the community little theatre, to help raise money for the needy.  When a 42 year old told me how her son was delivering meals to the elderly in his spare time, she was beaming.  How good do you think these teens felt when they found out how proud their parents were?   Did these parents have to push these kids to volunteer?   No, they did it on their own; because they now realize that what Zig Ziglar said is true.  “If you want to get the most out of life, then you must help others do the same”.

When your teen starts wanting to go to church, joins church activities during the week and starts helping with church related stuff, then she has been thinking of her spiritual future.   Pretty much through the teen years, kids tend to think the universe revolves around them and they are indestructible.  They probably haven’t had to face death and if they’ve been around it, they feel they are immune.  When a teen reaches this stage, they have accepted they are not all powerful and that there is a more powerful being in the universe that may very well be responsible for their existence.  They accept their beliefs and realize having a belief and faith helps make them more secure in life.  They look forward to spiritual relationships.  And of course they make more friends while doing so.

Hopefully these tips will help you get a handle on how your teen is doing in their quest to grow in life.  I’m sure you can find many more signs of maturity in teens.  Please share them with us.

drhuggiebear, drhuggiebear.com and contained materials are the copyrighted and/or registered properties of Frank Barnhill, M.D. and may not be reproduced for profit without the express written permission of the author.  All materials may be photocopied in whole for educational use.  For information please contact us at drfrank@drhuggiebear.com.