Parent's Behavior Guide to ADHD   Frank Barnhill M.D.
 

Well, hey, you’re not alone.  Let’s again look at the goals of treating ADHD.  Any treatment of ADHD should hope to result in an enhanced ability to focus and concentrate.  This should lead to an improvement in sensory input processing, storage, and “rememory” or the ability to accurately remember events such that behavior is shaped in a positive manner.  These positive changes are supposed to lead the ADHD’er to a productive role in society, allowing them to reach their fullest potential.  If these goals can be accomplished without medications, then that is great.  Likewise, if medications are required to reach the goals, then we should strive to behavior train our ADHD’er such that he or she can eventually be free of need for treatment.

1. A child does not have ADHD, they are ADHD.  ADHD is not a disease and is not considered contagious.  Yes, there is probably a hereditary basis for ADHD in over 95 % of ADHD’ers.
2. Behavior training is not behavior modification and must not be manipulative.  An ADHD’er can see through a manipulation faster than you can take a breath.
3. You do not; I repeat do not understand the world your child lives in.  Things change so much every ten years that it’s virtually impossible for you to walk in your child’s shoes.  This is especially true with the advent of the Internet and powerful information processing.
4. No two children in a family are alike, just as no two ADHD’ers are alike and will require different game plans for training.  So, don’t compare your children, such will just cause friction between them.
5. Time will heal most problems, but time therapies require patience.  You will need to work hard to develop extreme patience.
6. The most common reason for behavioral training failure in ADHD, or with any child, is lack of commitment.  Parents get frustrated; think the training isn’t working and simply give up.  It takes minimum three to six months to see a change with behavior training alone.  With medications, you may reduce these times by as much as half.
7. You will get frustrated as you struggle with your ADHD’er.  It’s guaranteed.  When this happens, think of your parent’s frustration with you at the same age.

Now, let’s go on to some specifics in behavioral training. Failure to communicate is the number one problem with ADHD’ers.  Before you jump to conclusions, let me clarify that statement.  The failure is on both the parent’s and child’s part.  I tend to find that parent’s talk at their children and not with them.  The difference is in the interaction between the two as a conversation unfolds.  Most parents’ tend to feel that what their child has to say is not as important and will cut them off as they are trying to express themselves.  Guess what?  If a parent does that often enough, he is training that child that the only way he or she can be heard is if they interrupt in the same way.  Such can lead to an ADHD’er rapidly developing the impulsive behavior of butting in or interrupting adult conversations.  The child has learned this is the only way she can or will be heard.  So, a vicious cycle is started and the parent becomes frustrated, demands the child shut up and the cycle begins all over.  This creates an even larger problem, as the ADHD’er starts doing the same at school, church, and with potential friends.  Hey, no one wants a friend that dominates every conversation!  Wow, social interaction becomes very limited, as these children aren’t invited to birthday parties and aren’t asked to come to a friend’s house to play.  Then problems with self-esteem really start to pop up.  The solution is almost simple; allow your child to finish what he or she wishes to say before you cut them off.

On the other hand, ADHD’ers have a difficult time with communication skills.  They tend to organize thoughts poorly and therefore can express themselves well.  You can help improve on these skills by teaching your child how to think about what he or she wishes to say before starting the conversation.  Give them clues about predicting questions and answers for different situations in life.  Then associate events that teach them how to hold normal conversations without the need to interrupt or lose their focus.  This takes practice.  After all, that’s how you taught your ADHD’er how to speak, walk, and dress.  You practiced with them.  You did not give them verbal instructions then leave them to discover the methods on their own.

One irritating communication skill developed by most ADHD’ers is the fidget.  Fidgeting, tapping feet and drumming fingers are not only signs of increased motor sensitivity, but are forms of communication.  Think of how you tap a pencil when bored or daydream and look all around a room when the conversation doesn’t interest you.  Guess what, these traits are much more intense in the ADHD’er as he has problems concentrating.  They can also be forms of communication.  This is especially true when the ADHD’er uses an impulsive non-verbal behavior to get your attention.  How do you handle this irritating trait?   Quietly point out that you feel the behavior is a signal for something, such as the need to talk.  Then allow the need to be fulfilled.  Once the child is finished, tell him or her that that can get your attention much faster by saying they really need to talk or whatever.  Don’t fuss at your child about the behavior that will just cause defensiveness and reinforce the behavior.  You may need to provide your ADHD’er with a non-irritating physical activity to take the place of lip smacking, cheek popping, purposeful belching and other much more irritating habits.

Learn to respect your child’s opinion.  If a child really feels that someone values their opinion, then they build a little more self worth.  Self-esteem is built one day and one event at a time.  I’m sure you would feel worthless if no one paid attention to your suggestions.  So, how do you think a child, especially an ADHD child feels when everything he says is ignored or discarded?   Avoid giving your child everything.  If some things in life are not earned, then they become expected and taken for granted.  Children become independent by learning to provide for some of the things they desire in life.  If you give them everything, then their ability and desire to leave the nest is significantly lessened and this will lead to problems with self-esteem.

We are all taught to learn from our mistakes.  Darn, it’s a nice theory, but it’s not what we actually practice.  In school, children are taught to avoid failure and that failure is bad.  A lot of parent’s punish children for failure, instead of using that failure as a teaching experience.  Why do you think children cheat in school?  Hey, it’s fear of failure and the punishment and social out-casting that occurs with that failure.  If children are taught not to fail, then they will do everything they can to avoid failure.  Is it a failure not to have a nice car like your friends or not to have those $100 jeans?  Does your child think that he will be less of a friend or person without those things?  If so, then to avoid failure maybe that child has to steal a better car or shoplift a new pair of jeans.  Fear of failure in and of itself can create a nasty cycle of delinquency.  Use failure to teach your child and not to punish.

Teach by example.  Yes, children still learn most of their social skills by observing the most important adult in their life.  Hey, that’s you, the parent.  If you cuss, expect them to cuss.  If you smoke, well guess what?  If you lose your temper really fast and are impatient, then guess who will copy you?  So, you don’t put your dirty clothes in the hamper, who cares?  If you develop a stomach or headache every time you’re stressed….  Well, I hope you’ve got the picture by now.  What you teach your children becomes a mirror of yourself.

Never let a day go by that you fail to hug your ADHD’er and tell them you love them.  It’s really hard for ADHD’ers to feel they are part of a family or keep friends.  Just think about it.  How frustrated are you when your ADHD’er interrupts constantly to get attention and then becomes manipulative?  How do you feel when you can’t have a normal family life because that ADHD’er is cutting up or disrupting family time?  If you’re frustrated, what do you think your other children feel?  And just who do they blame for feeling that way?  Yes, the ADHD’er is usually blamed for everything that goes wrong in a family.  That’s why I hear so many respond to any question with  “ I didn’t do it, I promise.”  “It wasn’t me!”  They can become so paranoid that they get depressed when with family or friends.

Speaking of friends, do you have friends who interrupt you constantly and need to poke you in the ribs to get your attention?   What about friends who pick at you or have to be first at everything?  Well, your ADHD’er has some of these annoying traits.  That’s why it’s hard for him or her to keep friends.  As they grow older, they’ll eventually find friends who will accept them as they are.  O boy, will these friends be doozies.  The reason they’ll accept your ADHD’er is because they have the same or similar problems with behavior.  This is why so many ADHD’ers join street gangs and experiment with drugs and sex.  The gang will accept anyone as long as their behavior is the same.  Drug users tend to “hang together” and sex provides attention and recognition.  How do you handle this one?  Talk to your ADHD’ers teachers, friends, and the friends’ parents.  Explain to them that your child’s behavior traits indicate need for communication and acceptance.  Help you child learn to avoid irritating traits or at least interpret how others feel when he uses these traits.

Since ADHD’ers tend to best learn by observation, then verbal explanation, find your child a “coach”.  A coach is someone not related to you, not controlled by you and who has the child’s best interest at heart.  It has to be someone that the child can trust to maintain confidence.  They should have a few common interests and the coach should be available by phone as much as possible.  A good coach is willing to help your ADHD’er through a crisis.  The only time a coach should violate confidentiality is if your ADHD’er plans suicide, harm to others or to commit a crime.  Then it is reasonable to intervene.

Watch carefully for signs of depression in your ADHD’er.  They are at great risk.  Just think how you’d feel if nobody wanted to play with you or invite you to parties?  How about if your family blamed you for everything, including ruining their last vacation because you pulled the fire alarm at that amusement park restaurant.  Hey, you thought the restaurant was on fire when smoke came from a flaming desert two tables away.  You didn’t know they would evacuate the entire park and then ask you never to come back.  Signs of depression include staying in their room all the time, a drop in grades, loss of appetite, sleeping too little, not being about to sleep, increased lying, increased irritability, crying for no reason, possible drug use, or becoming obsessed with death.  If you note these changes, contact your doctor at once.

Avoid labeling your child as lazy, hyper, stupid, dumb, crazy, brain dead, brain damaged, learning disabled, or bad, as these labels tend to stick and cause real problems with self-esteem and development of a positive personality.  After all, if you call a child a failure, he won’t disappoint you, he will become a failure.  ADHD children try really hard to please everyone.  It’s just that they have a hard time communicating their feelings and intentions and therefore their actions are often misunderstood.  Try telling your ADHD’er how smart they are and reinforce all those wonderful positive traits they have. Yes, ADHD’er have a lot going for them.  They can have relentless drives that allow them to try something over and over without giving up.  ADHD’ers make great musicians.  Think about your child’s constant drumming on the furniture.  They tend to be great in one course of study such as math or the sciences.  Help them build hobbies and success around these strengths.

Forgive and forget your child’s mistakes.  No one likes to be reminded over and over of his or her shortcomings.  Once you discuss a mistake, don’t keep bringing it up over and over, unless the mistake recurs.  Teach them to learn from their mistakes and that everyone expects being forgiven.  When you do so, they will become more tolerant of everyone else.  When you are angry about your ADHD’ers behavior, remind them you are just disappointed with the behavior and not them as a person.  No matter what they do, they are still your child and that will never change.  It’s also unlikely that you will ever stop loving them.  So, tell them so.  Condemn the behavior, not the child.  And last but not least, treat your ADHD’er as you would treat yourself.

These are just a few of the many available suggestions to help initiate behavior skills training in ADHD’ers.  I’m sure by now you’ve realized they also apply to some non-ADHD persons as well.  So, go out there and practice what you preach.

Happy parenting from all of us at drhuggiebear.com.

drhuggiebear, drhuggiebear.com and contained materials are the copyrighted and/or registered properties of Frank Barnhill, M.D. and may not be reproduced for profit without the express written permission of the author.  All materials may be photocopied in whole for educational use.  For information please contact us at drfrank@drhuggiebear.com.