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Giving their kids a positive attitude in life
seems to be one of the top three goals of every parent who comes to my
office to talk about their child’s emotional or behavioral problems. The
other two are the need to motivate and an urgent desire to improve
grades, social, or work skills.
By the time a parent is sitting in that chair in
front of me, they are usually at wit’s end. That end usually
comes when they are threatening to pull their hair out and are so angry
that they yell at the kid and make demands. Sometimes, they are so
angry, they admit to feelings of wanting to “just hurt him, because of
the hurt he’s caused me”! Of course, the more demands made and the more
threats promised, the less likely the child will cooperate. A vicious
cycle is usually set when a child becomes “resistant” to his or her
parent’s threats, yelling and screaming. That’s when they seem to just
“tune you out” or develop what I call the “duh syndrome”. Tuning you out
is the way an ADHDer remains in control.
The biggest problem in achieving the goal of giving
a kid a positive attitude, lies in the word “giving”. It’s very
unlikely that a parent will be able to “give” a child a positive
attitude. And likewise, it’s extremely unlikely that a kid will allow a
parent to “give” him or her a positive attitude.
The word attitude has no definite meaning
from generation to generation, much less from child to child, as it
tends to be more of an individual attribute of a child’s emotional make
up. Therefore, a more realistic parent’s goal would be one of helping to
nurture the skills necessary for their child to develop a positive
attitude. One must remember that what is positive for the parent or
another sibling may not be “positive” for a particular child. Just as
parents have different mindsets and growth experiences in life, siblings
often tell me how different they perceive things when their parents
compare them to a brother or a sister. Likewise, as a parent, you must
realize that what seems negative to you may appear positive to a child
three generations behind you.
A good example of differing attitude mindsets
between a parent and an ADHD kid is
that of body piercing and tattooing. ADHD kids are always looking
for ways to get attention, to be noticed as unique and valuable, and be
different. Having multiple tattoos and pierced body parts allows an
ADHDer to achieve all three goals without risking great bodily harm.
Don’t get me wrong; I do not advocate tattooing and body piercing. In
the past five years, one of my patients died from hepatitis B acquired
from tattooing. Yet another had her belly button surgically removed as a
result of infection from poor technique insertion of a pierced belly
button ring.
Following are some basic tips for nurturing
positive attitude skills in your youngster, whether they are ADHD or
not:
- Always start your conversations with an
expression of your love and concern for your child’s safety. For
example, “Billy, I was really worried when I heard the front window
break.” “Did you get hurt when your ball went through the glass?”
Contrary wise, most parents would probably say, “ Was that your
baseball that broke the living room window?” “I’ve told you a
hundred times not to play ball in the front yard!” “I told you this
would happen.” “See what happens when you don’t mind?” “Oh, (and by
the way better late than never) did you get cut by any of the flying
glass?”
- Displaying a positive caring and
non-judgmental concern into any negative circumstance tends to
make the “pill” of telling the truth a lot easier for the child to
swallow. It seems that most times kids will just plain lie before
they will admit to any involvement in a negative situation, even if
they were not at fault. By asking about the child’s wellbeing or
emotions and expressing your support in them telling the truth prior
to discussing the bad event, you indicate your primary concern is
the child and not the event.
- Don’t accuse your ADHDer of wrong doing
before you clearly first obtain his or her side of the story and
only then secondly get everyone else’s. This shows an ADHDer that
what he or she is saying is important enough to be heard. Don’t
interrupt and only interpose questions during your conversation.
Don’t jump to conclusions or prematurely judge, as this will make
your child defensive and may well result in him or her telling a lie
to end the interaction. You teach the positive attitude of
fairness and justice for all, when you set this example.
- When it’s obvious they have “tuned you
out”, don’t argue with them. It will just make matters worse. It
appears that you must be in control at all times, and the average
ADHDer just can’t handle total loss of control of his or her
environment. Instead, allow them a cool down period and once they
are receptive to further discussion of “whatever set them off”, just
calmly point out that you understand their need to think about what
happened before talking about it. This helps them learn control of
their emotions and helps develop a positive attitude about their
ability to handle confrontation and argument in the future
without becoming aggressive or hostile.
- Let your child catch you saying nice things
about others, instead of derogatory remarks. I often hear parents
say, “Take a look at that kid with the long hair and ring in his
nose.” “That makes him just plain ugly and I bet he’s dumb as a
mule, too!” Your child’s attitude may be one that accepts these
attributes as normal or cool. How can your kid hope to be unique
individuals in the face of such unproven, unfounded accusations?
Nothing impresses an ADHDer more than to hear a compliment about one
of their “cool friends” or someone they value coming from you,
instead of criticism. This really teaches that they can form
non-judgmental opinions about others, without “buying into” their
attitudes or culture. You are in essence teaching the positive
attitude of respecting other’s rights.
- Set the example you want your child to
follow. If you smoke, expect they will probably smoke. The same
is true of alcohol and drugs, and cussing, and promiscuous sex, and
you get the picture. You must be the pattern that you expect your
children to follow. Or, would you rather they follow someone else’s
lifestyle and attitude mindset?
Teaching a positive attitude to your kids is a lot like teaching
them religion;
you’re passing on a mindset of values and morals that must be
consistent in its application and backed up by written or visual
evidence. You cannot expect your child to follow blindly,
especially when his or her friends appear so independent. You really
want and need them to develop their own attitude so they can cope
with the challenges of growing up. You may get lucky and they’ll
allow you to shape that attitude by following a few of these tips.
Otherwise, expect them to live at home forever, since they
won’t be able to handle even the simple emotional tasks of everyday
living?
There are many more ways to improve a child’s attitude about
life, such as finding opportunities to build self-esteem to
promote feelings of success and satisfaction. If you look with eyes
wide open, you’ll discover there are hundreds of such opportunities
sometimes every day. You will just need to put them to good use!
Dr. Frank |
