“Living With ADHD”

              “Organizing Life One Minute at A time” 

                 An UncommonSense Health Newsletter

                              from drhuggiebear.com and Frank Barnhill, M.D.

Issue 3            Volume 1                   March 2005

The UncommonSense Health Newsletter is dedicated to being your source for easy to read, up to date information on current and important medical issues for your growing family.

Dr. Frank’s behavioral rule #1:

       “ADHD is first a diagnosis of exclusion, then a diagnosis of inclusion!”

You must first exclude all the illnesses that mimic ADHD and then be sure the diagnosis fits ADHD traits. Visit www.drhuggiebear.com for more info on how to be sure your ADHD diagnosis is the right one and solve your ADHD or behavioral disorder problems!

This Month’s issue:

                    Teaching Positive Attitudes for kids

                                                Frank Barnhill, M.D.

Giving their kids a positive attitude in life seems to be one of the top three goals of every parent who comes to my office to talk about their child’s emotional or behavioral problems. The other two are the need to motivate and an urgent desire to improve grades, social, or work skills.

By the time a parent is sitting in that chair in front of me, they are usually at wit’s end. That end usually comes when they are threatening to pull their hair out and are so angry that they yell at the kid and make demands. Sometimes, they are so angry, they admit to feelings of wanting to “just hurt him, because of the hurt he’s caused me”! Of course, the more demands made and the more threats promised, the less likely the child will cooperate. A vicious cycle is usually set when a child becomes “resistant” to his or her parent’s threats, yelling and screaming. That’s when they seem to just “tune you out” or develop what I call the “duh syndrome”. Tuning you out is the way an ADHDer remains in control.

The biggest problem in achieving the goal of giving a kid a positive attitude, lies in the word “giving”. It’s very unlikely that a parent will be able to “give” a child a positive attitude. And likewise, it’s extremely unlikely that a kid will allow a parent to “give” him or her a positive attitude.

The word attitude has no definite meaning from generation to generation, much less from child to child, as it tends to be more of an individual attribute of a child’s emotional make up. Therefore, a more realistic parent’s goal would be one of helping to nurture the skills necessary for their child to develop a positive attitude. One must remember that what is positive for the parent or another sibling may not be “positive” for a particular child. Just as parents have different mindsets and growth experiences in life, siblings often tell me how different they perceive things when their parents compare them to a brother or a sister. Likewise, as a parent, you must realize that what seems negative to you may appear positive to a child three generations behind you.

A good example of differing attitude mindsets between a parent and an ADHD kid is
that of body piercing and tattooing. ADHD kids are always looking for ways to get attention, to be noticed as unique and valuable, and be different. Having multiple tattoos and pierced body parts allows an ADHDer to achieve all three goals without risking great bodily harm. Don’t get me wrong; I do not advocate tattooing and body piercing. In the past five years, one of my patients died from hepatitis B acquired from tattooing. Yet another had her belly button surgically removed as a result of infection from poor technique insertion of a pierced belly button ring.

Following are some basic tips for nurturing positive attitude skills in your youngster, whether they are ADHD or not:

• Always start your conversations with an expression of your love and concern for your child’s safety. For example, “Billy, I was really worried when I heard the front window break.” “Did you get hurt when your ball went through the glass?” Contrary wise, most parents would probably say, “ Was that your baseball that broke the living room window?” “I’ve told you a hundred times not to play ball in the front yard!” “I told you this would happen.” “See what happens when you don’t mind?” “Oh, (and by the way better late than never) did you get cut by any of the flying glass?”

• Displaying a positive caring and non-judgmental concern into any negative circumstance tends to make the “pill” of telling the truth a lot easier for the child to swallow. It seems that most times kids will just plain lie before they will admit to any involvement in a negative situation, even if they were not at fault. By asking about the child’s wellbeing or emotions and expressing your support in them telling the truth prior to discussing the bad event, you indicate your primary concern is the child and not the event.

• Don’t accuse your ADHDer of wrong doing before you clearly first obtain his or her side of the story and only then secondly get everyone else’s. This shows an ADHDer that what he or she is saying is important enough to be heard. Don’t interrupt and only interpose questions during your conversation. Don’t jump to conclusions or prematurely judge, as this will make your child defensive and may well result in him or her telling a lie to end the interaction. You teach the positive attitude of fairness and justice for all, when you set this example.
  
   
• When it’s obvious they have “tuned you out”, don’t argue with them. It will just make matters worse. It appears that you must be in control at all times, and the average ADHDer just can’t handle total loss of control of his or her environment. Instead, allow them a cool down period and once they are receptive to further discussion of “whatever set them off”, just calmly point out that you understand their need to think about what happened before talking about it. This helps them learn control of their emotions and helps develop a positive attitude about their ability to handle confrontation and argument in the future without becoming aggressive or hostile.
  
   
• Let your child catch you saying nice things about others, instead of derogatory remarks. I often hear parents say, “Take a look at that kid with the long hair and ring in his nose.” “That makes him just plain ugly and I bet he’s dumb as a mule, too!”  Your child’s attitude may be one that accepts these attributes as normal or cool. How can your kid hope to be unique individuals in the face of such unproven, unfounded accusations? Nothing impresses an ADHDer more than to hear a compliment about one of their “cool friends” or someone they value coming from you, instead of criticism. This really teaches that they can form non-judgmental opinions about others, without “buying into” their attitudes or culture. You are in essence teaching the positive attitude of respecting other’s rights.
  
   
• Set the example you want your child to follow. If you smoke, expect they will probably smoke. The same is true of alcohol and drugs, and cussing, and promiscuous sex, and you get the picture. You must be the pattern that you expect your children to follow. Or, would you rather they follow someone else’s lifestyle and attitude mindset?
  
  Teaching a positive attitude to your kids is a lot like teaching them religion;
  you’re passing on a mindset of values and morals that must be consistent in its application and backed up by written or visual evidence. You cannot expect your child to follow blindly, especially when his or her friends appear so independent. You really want and need them to develop their own attitude so they can cope with the challenges of growing up. You may get lucky and they’ll allow you to shape that attitude by following a few of these tips. Otherwise, expect them to live at home forever, since they won’t be able to handle even the simple emotional tasks of everyday living?
  
  
   

There are many more ways to improve a child’s attitude about life, such as finding opportunities to build self-esteem to promote feelings of success and satisfaction. If you look with eyes wide open, you’ll discover there are hundreds of such opportunities sometimes every day. You will just need to put them to good use!

Dr. Frank

Copyright 2005 Frank Barnhill.
No portion of the above-contained information is offered as medical advice in any manner. Your family doctor is still the best source of advice for you and your family and you should consult him or her if you have any medical concerns. If you wish to use this article as a parent handout or in your newsletter, please see http://www.drhuggiebear.com/ for our reprint policy . mailto:drfrank@drhuggiebear.com

drhuggiebear.com is your source for uncommonsense medical resources.

Let Dr. Frank’s years of experience help you find solutions for life’s little ups and downs. Our complimentary newsletters include timely information on ADHD, depression, work and personal stress, family health, and drugs

Life Quotes

Few of us blame ourselves,

Until we have exhausted all other possibilities!    Unknown/Dr. Frank

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All articles are derived from published materials, educational sources and years of experience for each author. No portion of the above-contained information is offered as medical advice in any manner. In times of need, your family doctor or professional counselor is still the best source of advice for you and your family and you should consult him or her if you have any medical concerns.

If you have comments or questions, please drop me a line at drfrank@drhuggiebear.com.

Frank Barnhill, M.D. 

All materials, content and graphics are Copyright 2005 Frank Barnhill, M.D.

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