Frustrated with your ADHD child’s behavior?

Let’s fix it.

An UncommonSense Health Newsletter

From drhuggiebear.com and Frank Barnhill, M.D.

On Line Edition November 2006

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This UncommonSense Health Newsletter is dedicated to being your source for easy to read, up to date ADHD information on current and important medical issues for your growing family.

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Dr. Frank’s behavioral rule #1:

“ADHD is first a diagnosis of exclusion, then a diagnosis of inclusion!”

You must first exclude all the illnesses that mimic ADHD and then be sure the diagnosis fits ADHD traits.

This Month’s issue: ADHD behavior

“How To Avoid Being Angry With Your ADHD Child”

Dealing with ADHD parent frustration

Frank Barnhill, M.D.

Sometimes it’s like the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. This time it’s just more than you can take. You’re stuck between grabbing him by the neck and shaking some sense into that “can’t seem to remember” brain or pulling your last graying hair out! You have to fight back the urge to use physical violence in response to her uncaring attitude. It’s like the world’s going to explode if she says “duh, mom” one more time.

Well, don’t feel alone, millions of parents are in the same boat. And they tell me it feels like it’s sinking a lot of times. They express frustration and feelings of guilt about not being able to control their ADHDer’s behavior or getting them to “think before they leap”. Since we don’t want our ship to hit an iceberg and sink, let’s take a look at a few common ADHD problems that cause parents to become frustrated. Then, we’ll look at ways to solve some of those problems and relieve family anxiety and frustration.

You’ve told your child to clean up his or her room at least ten times. He just doesn’t seem to understand that part of success in life is learning to organize and that you want your home to look nice in case friends drop by or family visits.

Since ADHDers are by nature poor organizers, the cleaning up the bedroom problem is very common. It’s in the same trait category as not cleaning up toys in the family room, forgetting to feed the cat, and forgetting pencils and paper for school. What can you do to keep from getting angry and frustrated over the situation and help your ADHDer at the same time?

Most of us learn to organize by repeating and practicing the skills over and over. The fact that your ADHD child has a chemical problem with “executive memory processing” means that he or she will require much more practice in learning organizational habits. For ADHD children and even adults, practice makes better and perfect practice makes perfect habits. Spend time everyday with your ADHDer practicing feeding the dog, cleaning up his room or making a ritual out of taking her medications, until the perfect habits are automatic.

Always involve your child in the decision-making that goes into getting organized. Ask your child where he would like his toys stored or his school supplies placed for him to easily find them. Get her to use paper and crayon to write reminders to feed her pets or take her pills. Teach them to get clothes ready for school the night before and place them where they can be easily found.

You’ve called her five times to get out of bed. You even went into her bedroom and shook her leg. You cut her alarm clock off thirty minutes ago. It just seems like this child enjoys making the whole family run late. Your other kids are angry because they’re going to be late for school again. Two of them had to do extra homework for being late last week and it was “all his fault”. How can you be fair to your other children when you have to contend with him?

If your ADHDer is frequently late for school or work, buy a no-snooze setting alarm clock that helps them “get up on time”. There’s no doubt ADHDers are hard to get out of bed, unless something they really wish to do follows. So, consider rewarding “getting out of bed on time behavior” with a favorite breakfast food or a “special immediately rewarded privilege”. Yes, such can cause problems with your other children. So, in order to be absolutely fair, your kids should agree on how rewards are to be given. One family I know lets the child who is first dressed and ready to go to school ride in the front seat on the way to school.

You’ve reminded her a hundred times not to interrupt when adults are talking to each other. But she does, just one more time than your patience can stand. You’ve threatened punishment before time and time again, but this time you mean it. This is a common annoying habit of ADHDers. When they think of something, they feel that it’s urgent to express their thoughts right away. A lot of this behavior has to do with “executive processing” and it’s called impulsiveness. It falls into the same category as breaking in line, cheating, shoplifting, lying, speeding on a bike or driving too fast, and running out into the street without looking.

So what are you to do when your child is interrupting almost every word you say to your best friend? You reinforce the idea that interrupting someone when they are speaking should only be done in cases of urgency. One parent in my practice stops his conversation and quietly asks “where’s the fire, son”? Patience is learned by observing patient people. If you speed, then expect your child to speed. If you constantly look at your watch wishing things to go faster, guess what you teach your children? Parents who want to teach their ADHDers to be patient have to teach the how, why and where of patience.

Patience is based on learning to postpone something for future reward.

Now, let’s discuss manipulation. A medical school professor once told me that some abused children actually seek abuse, because the attention they received was better than no attention at all. ADHD kids have a similar attitude about punishment, whether physical or emotional. ADHD kids require a lot of attention and when they don’t get it, they seek it in the only way they “know” how. I know it’s hard to believe that when you yell or scream at your ADHDer you are giving him or her attention, but you are. It may be a negative form of recognition, but it is attention just the same. So, what are you to do?

You should practice recognizing when your child needs that dose of special attention and turn the event into a positive self-esteem building experience. When your ADHD son interrupts you, ask where the fire is, point out that interruptions should be for urgent events, and remind him that he has been smart to spot urgencies in the past and his observations are important. Then if what he has to say isn’t urgent, do it again, and thank him for pointing out his observations.

ADHD kids really do march to the beat of a different drummer. Avoid comparing your ADHDer to your other children, because they are not alike. Your ADHD child must have his own personality, strengths and weaknesses. If you have some unusual life skills training tips, please share them.

Dr. Frank

Dedicated to our common goal in helping ADHDers achieve their greatest potential in all aspects of life!

Dr. Frank’s Golden Rule:

“ADHD is first a diagnosis of exclusion, then a diagnosis of inclusion”.

No portion of this information is intended to be offered as medical advice for the individual. Your family doctor is still the best source of advice for you and your family and you should consult him or her if you have any medical concerns. If you wish to use this article as a parent handout or in your newsletter, please see http://www.drhuggiebear.com/ for our reprint policy . mailto:drfrank@drhuggiebear.com

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All articles are derived from published materials, educational sources and years of experience for each author. No portion of the above-contained information is offered as medical advice in any manner. In times of need, your family doctor or professional counselor is still the best source of advice for you and your family and you should consult him or her if you have any medical concerns. If you have comments or questions, please drop me a line at drfrank@drhuggiebear.com.

Frank Barnhill, M.D.

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