“Living With ADHD”

“Organizing Life One Minute at A time”

An UncommonSense Health Newsletter

from drhuggiebear.com and Frank Barnhill, M.D.

Issue 9 Volume 2 September 2006

Hope your summer is reaching a successful peak!

Today’s article was inspired by dozens of moms and dad’s overheard at Paramount’s Carowinds amusement park in Charlotte, North Carolina. While enjoying the park with my daughter, wife, son-in-law and two grandsons on July third, I heard the statement, “If you don’t behave I’m…” at least 100 plus times. The heat was terrible, the lines were long and everybody’s temper was short. So, here’s an article on “behaving”!

Today’s success quote:

“The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything!”

William Conner Magee

This UncommonSense Health Newsletter is dedicated to being your source for easy to read, up to date ADHD information on current and important medical issues for your growing family.

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Dr. Frank’s behavioral rule #1:

“ADHD is first a diagnosis of exclusion, then a diagnosis of inclusion!”

You must first exclude all the illnesses that mimic ADHD and then be sure the diagnosis fits ADHD traits.

This Month’s issue:

ADHD behavior

“When you tell a child to behave”

What it actually means…

Frank Barnhill, M.D.

I know how easy it is to become frustrated with your child’s behavior and then in anger threaten, “If you don’t behave, I’m going to ……”. All of us have fallen victim to saying undefined words or phrases meant to correct a child’s behavior at one time or another. But, have you ever really thought about what your child actually hears or understands when you say, “If you don’t behave”?

Why should you worry about your child’s perception of what the word “behave” actually means?

It’s simple, if you wish your child to get along with other kids and adults and grow up to be successful in life, then he or she must understand the difference between good and bad behavior! And, once your child understands the difference, your life will become less frustrating, you’ll probably keep your hair, wits and nerves, and you’ll be able to spend more time doing great things with all of your kids.

Key point: When you’re totally immersed in handing a difficult child, you won’t have much time to invest in the rest of your children.

First of all, as a parent, my definition of “behave” includes acting, speaking and interacting with others in such a way as to avoid disruption or causing problems. Unfortunately, it’s also easy to believe a child should automatically understand that when you say the word “behave”, you mean “be quiet until spoken to”, “don’t interrupt when I’m speaking”, “don’t fidget with your fingers or hair” or “sit still until I tell you to get up”. I know in the past, I had to literally bite my tongue when my kids pointed out I had let them “do that yesterday”. Wow, were they quick to pick up on inconsistencies in my parenting skills! They really thought they had me all those times.

Well, I’m afraid it just doesn’t work that way! Psychologists are quick to note that what you tolerate as a child’s “good” behavior in one interaction or environment may be totally unacceptable in another. For example, when you are on vacation or engaging in leisure time, you may not consider your son’s behavior “bad” or “not behaving” when he interrupts you twice while you are speaking to a friend. But, at home, at church, when on the phone, or while shopping you would probably view his behavior as “butting in” and disruptive and probably threaten him with “If you don’t behave….” Or “Don’t interrupt while I’m talking!” I’m sure you can think of many other circumstances where “good and bad” behavior can seem to reverse roles.

So, obviously two of the problems with expecting children “to behave” are, “What behavior do you expect when you tell your child to behave” and “What behavior do they understand as that of behaving”?

Well, for starters, I don’t believe that many children actually try to misbehave. Just like adults, kids behave differently in different circumstances and at different times. Often, they don’t understand the need to change their behavior based on what is happening around them, where they are, or the timing of a situation. Our goal in this article will be to give you a few guidelines to help your kids build the skills needed to “know when to behave”. Let’s discuss those guidelines.

· Even toddlers need to know when and when not to do something.

All children need and deserve an explanation of their behavior both good and bad. And it is just as important to explain why you think their behavior is good as it is to do so when it’s bad.
So, you should use words and sentences the child can understand when explaining why they are not to do ___________ or when you think it’s great that they __________.
Try to explain and teach your child behaviors that are acceptable in all circumstances and lead to rewarding responses. For example, saying thank you and please at all times will give your child an element of self respect when others comment on their good manners.
Correct poor behavior by explaining why you or others don’t like that behavior and not by threatening.
When their behavior is a matter of safety, you should say so and tell what could happen to them or others if the behavior persists.
If their behavior is annoying, point out they would be angry or annoyed if someone else did the same to them.
Talking about fairness and behavior is really tough. Everyone’s concept of what’s fair is different. So, instead of talking about fairness you should talk about what’s acceptable or expected by others.
When you simply don’t like your child’s behavior or attitude, tell him or her so and be prepared to answer “Why?”
Tell your child you love them even if you don’t like their behavior. Always remember your child is a valuable part of your life regardless of what they do.
A key point: Do not reward or correct every behavior because your child will rapidly learn to expect you to do so and the effect will be extinguished or ineffective.

There are many other things we could discuss about modeling a child’s behavior, but I believe these guidelines are the most important. When dealing with your kid’s behavior, take a moment to reflect on the circumstances surrounding the behavior and your behavior under the very same conditions at a similar age. If you do so, your parenting skills will take a quantum leap and your family life will probably improve as a result.

Dr. Frank

Dedicated to our common goal in helping ADHDers achieve their greatest potential in all aspects of life!

Dr. Frank’s Golden Rule:

“ADHD is first a diagnosis of exclusion, then a diagnosis of inclusion”.

No portion of this information is intended to be offered as medical advice for the individual. Your family doctor is still the best source of advice for you and your family and you should consult him or her if you have any medical concerns. If you wish to use this article as a parent handout or in your newsletter, please see http://www.drhuggiebear.com/ for our reprint policy . mailto:drfrank@drhuggiebear.com

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All articles are derived from published materials, educational sources and years of experience for each author. No portion of the above-contained information is offered as medical advice in any manner. In times of need, your family doctor or professional counselor is still the best source of advice for you and your family and you should consult him or her if you have any medical concerns. If you have comments or questions, please drop me a line at drfrank@drhuggiebear.com.

Frank Barnhill, M.D.

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